More than words (Part 2)

Thanks to Agnès for reminding me of this manga scene in Volume 6, p. 57:

Terry was doing well in Broadway (a rising star in the show business), and assuming Candy was still in London, he was worried because of the great war. He regretted leaving her behind.

With nostalgia, he remembered their happy moments back at St. Paul’s Academy, but he couldn’t go back. He had already chosen his path, and he only wished nothing would happen to England before they would meet again.

Therefore, both Agnès and I think this is the evidence Terry put his career before Candy. Please read her thoughtful comment if you like, which consists of some valid questions about Terry’s behavior.

I suppose Terry thought he might eventually return to London one day. Of course he didn’t know Candy had returned to America already. If you know there’s an equivalent passage in Candy Candy Final Story (CCFS), please kindly inform me. Section III of CCFS (Candy’s life after leaving London) is mainly composed of letters to/from various people and her present recollections of the past events. In short, Candy wouldn’t have known Terry’s inner monologue back in this stage of his life unless he told her himself, but would he? 😉

Nonetheless, note that never once had Terry wondered how Candy had felt since his abrupt departure months ago. At least we don’t see it in the manga anywhere. Had it ever occurred to Terry that Candy could be crying or feeling miserable day after day not hearing anything from him? 🙁 Don’t tell me he had expected her to forget about him as though nothing had happened between them… 😕

Please don’t think I’ve been trying to make Terry look bad. 😯 That’s not my intention. As a matter of fact, I base my opinions on the facts shown in the manga version as well as CCFS. For your interest, here is my brief analysis of his actions. At any rate, actions speak louder than words, and I’m sure you know what it means by someone’s actions not supporting his or her claim. As indicated by the lyrics of the song “More Than Words” shared in More than words (Part 1):

… More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know…

Thus, even without saying “I love you”, one can feel if someone’s love for him or her is real. Likewise, one can’t slap someone and believe saying “I love you” to him or her afterwards will immediately remedy one’s mistake. The three words “I love you” is meaningless to the person you hurt. 🙁

Now, let’s get back to Candy’s diary. As discussed in Part 1, her diary was basically her story with Terry, how they had met and every little thing that showed how she had been gradually attracted to him. Before leaving London, Candy had decided to leave her diary to the care of her guardian, and she had concluded in her diary (using dai-suki, see the highlighted words below):

あなたが大好き、だと。ほかの誰よりも……。

I love you (Terry) more than anyone else…

Candy had wanted to declare her strong affection to Terry but she couldn’t. He had left London already without leaving any means for her to contact him. 🙁

After five years or so, she finally saw her diary again in the room where she had discovered Albert’s true identity. Based on Candy’s last letter to Albert, she didn’t mention anything about her reaction to seeing her diary the first time after all these years. She just wrote down what she had observed. That Albert kept staring out of the window and murmured to her in a very quiet voice, “Because this is… your treasure.” I suppose she sensed his unease, that he wasn’t his normal self. Then in her letter she acknowledged the content of the diary, that it was mainly about Terry, and she had been wondering about it too.

After that, Candy started a new paragraph as follows (Volume 2, p. 321):

今、返していただいた日記がわたしのそばにあります。
でも、開くことはありませんでした。
わたしはこの日記をまたアルバートさんに託すつもりです。
アルバートさんが一度お返ししたバッジを、また贈ってくださったように。

Now, I have the diary that was returned to me by my side.
However, it hasn’t been opened.
I plan to entrust this diary to Albert-san again.
Just like the way Albert-san presented the badge back to me, the one that I had once returned.

The word 託す (takusu) implies someone committing something to another’s care or placing something under another’s charge. Thus, I picked the verb, entrust. 🙂 Also, Candy used the word 贈る (okuru) to describe how Albert had given his badge back to her, as though it was an award / a gift / a prize.

As QuevivaCandy said, Candy completely understood Albert’s intention even though he didn’t put it in words. He would like her to make a choice between him or Terry. We know that Candy had brought her diary home, and I agree with QuevivaCandy that since then, Albert must have gone through hell, bracing himself for whatever Candy’s verdict was going to be. I figure he had prepared for the worst, that after reading her diary, she would tell him her decision to remain single, mourning for the loss of Terry or waiting for Terry to come back to her one day. 🙁

However, that’s not the case. Candy wrote about her diary without sounding emotional at all. Yes, she wrote she had been concerned about it, and yet it seems to me that she had left it on her desk ever since she had got it back from Albert (the trip to Lakewood had happened a few days ago, perhaps?). She wrote in a straightforward way that the diary hadn’t been opened.

Some people explained that it was too painful for Candy to read her diary, that her wounds from the breakup (despite being years ago) were still fresh, and that was why she couldn’t handle her diary yet. If this is true, Candy could have simply left it in Lakewood without bringing it back home. She had never had any difficulty being frank with Albert, so she could have told him right there in that special room that she wasn’t ready to go down her memory lane even now.

To me, the fact that Candy had brought it home means that she had thought about re-reading it. It must be tempting. After all, it was full of her precious memories in London and her passionate words regarding Terry. Who doesn’t like reading his or her old diary? Be honest. 😛

Not to mention Candy must be aware of Albert’s unconditional acceptance by now, and as always, he would completely respect her choice, regardless of the outcome. Nobody would have blamed her if she decided to reminisce the good old days, not even Albert. He was the one who had returned the diary to her, so he shouldn’t be surprised if she would read it again.

On the other hand, if Candy still loved Terry but not ready to read her diary yet, she could have stored it somewhere else or placed it under her foster mothers’ care for example. They had met Terry and understood Candy’s feelings for him, so when Candy was finally ready one day, she could easily dig up her diary for reading.

Come to think of it, Candy had great memory, and she didn’t really need her diary to help her recall her days with Terry. Yet, after he had left London, how many times had she shed tears of despair and disappointment because of him? How about all that fruitless chasing after him? Not to mention he had broken her heart twice, once in London and once in New York. Granted, they had had some happy moments together (perhaps mainly in Scotland), but the time they had been living apart was much longer.

In any case, although Candy didn’t mention any struggles in her letter, I suppose she had debated with herself before she made up her mind to write to Albert. She knew if she kept her own diary somewhere easily accessible, she might be tempted to read it, so she made a conscious decision not to look back, ever. This is consistent with her words in her letter to Terry’s mother much earlier, that Candy would not see Terry’s performance as Hamlet lest she might be tempted to talk to Terry (CCFS Volume 2, p. 273). Please read Tiffany’s brilliant comment. Back then, Candy had used her promise to Susanna as one of her reasons of not accepting Miss Baker’s invitation, but this time with her diary, Candy had never once mentioned Susanna.

Soon after Candy had declined Miss Baker’s invitation to see Terry as Hamlet, Candy had written an unsent letter to Terry as well, in which she had plainly said that she had got over Terry with help from Albert and sincerely wished Terry happiness with Susanna. Note that this had happened long time ago before Albert had made his confession of being her prince.

How much time had elapsed in between her unsent letter to Terry and her last letter to Albert after the trip to Lakewood? A year more or less? I don’t know, but for sure it was not a short period of time.

In a nutshell, entrusting her diary to Albert proved Candy’s firm determination to leave Terry in her past. Her action speaks volumes indeed, that she had undoubtedly moved on and stuck with her previous decision in New York.

Furthermore, she used the return of her diary as her answer to Albert’s unspoken question, that she had chosen her Prince on the Hill, not Terry. Why? Because she mentioned the badge. We all know that she had kept his badge all these years as her treasure because her prince had dropped it by accident. During his important confession, he had asked her to return the badge to him. It isn’t clear when exactly she had actually returned his badge, but here she wrote that he had already presented it back to her as his gift. How and when had it occurred we don’t know.

Based on Anthony’s words, we understand that only a real Ardlay boy could keep a badge with the family insignia. In other words, Anthony, Stear or Archie didn’t own such a badge because their last names were not Ardlay. In the entire family, only Albert had the honor to carry such a badge. It wasn’t clear if it was an heirloom though, but in any case the badge served as a token of Albert’s unique status and identity.

Yet, all these years, Candy the orphan girl had been keeping it for Albert, the only male descendant to the Ardlay’s clan, and after asking it back from her, he had “awarded” it to her. I think he wanted her to never forget their first encounter (so sweet, isn’t it?). Moreover, the badge had been her only clue to find him, so the badge had represented him as a person. Whenever she looked at the badge, she would remember her prince. 🙂 What’s more, her prince intentionally asked her to keep it for him implies that he truly belonged to her from now on, that the person named William Albert Ardlay would always be by her side. This reminds me of his sandwich proposal, and of course this is my interpretation. Yet, both Reeka and QuevivaCandy share similar thoughts. 8) Please read their comments on Part 1.

You know what, I have a strong feeling that Albert had formally presented his badge to Candy during their trip to Lakewood, possibly way before the return of her diary or even around the time he had told Candy his nickname, “Little Bert”. 🙂

Therefore, by using the badge as her example, Candy was essentially telling Albert that she belonged to him too from now on, that her future began with Prince on the Hill. In fact, near the end of her letter, she reinforced that she was happy with him,

そう、アルバートさん、
今が、わたしの幸せです。

Thus, Albert-san,
Now is my happiness.

My interpretation is that Candy used “thus” or “therefore” after saying that she was the one who couldn’t thank Albert enough (please read Her happiness about his deep gratitude to her), so she concluded, “now is my happiness” (direct translation). My Japanese friend told me that this was a strange way to write. To tell Albert that she was happy now, she could simply write 今、わたしは幸せです。

However, this was Candy’s response to Albert’s earlier question concerning her happiness. He had wanted to know where (in her heart) was her happiness. That was why he had given the diary back to her to find out. Although he had asked “where”, she gave the answer “now” as if he had asked “when”. 🙄 😛

Think about this. Candy was writing a letter to Albert, right? So did she mean “my happiness lies in you, Albert!”, that she was happy and content with him NOW? 😀

Grammatically, the answer is yes because Candy used the particle が not は right after the word 今, which means now. The way she wrote implies “now and only now”; that is, her happiness applied to NOW exclusively. See the difference between が and は for your interest.

No matter what, Candy’s message in her last letter to Albert can’t be more obvious. Similar to her mental letter to Anthony (please read Optimistic protagonist for details), in this long letter Candy summarized her three loves by writing how she had got over her guilt of causing Anthony’s death and resolved to bury her past with Terry by placing her diary to Albert’s care. (I don’t think she would ever ask it back from Albert.) With Albert by her side, Candy found her happiness NOW. He knew her and her history better than anyone, and yet he loved her for who she was, fully accepting her past.

Right after these two letters in the epilogue, Candy snapped herself back to the present when Anohito came home to her. Both letters indicated that Candy lived happily in the present and looked forward to her future. With whom? With Prince on the Hill. 🙂

What else do you need to prove that Terry was highly unlikely to be Anohito? 😛

I will continue to talk a bit more about Candy’s letter of love and gratitude. I believe some of you know what I have in mind already. 😉 Before I go, I’d like to share with you the following quote:

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

That’s Candy. Although she had gone through many ups and downs in her life, she had come out stronger and wiser. True love involved both individuals to make decisions together. Her feelings would be respected and reciprocated by the only man who gave her a marvelous sense of security.

Have a great weekend, my friends! 😀